Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
