Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
