peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
