seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
