took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
Randomize
