i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i wish my penis had a tongue
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
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