I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
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And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
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My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Drake has all the answers
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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