Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
so much tequila, so little girl.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
