Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I have tasted many bathrooms
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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