his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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