He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
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I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
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I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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