i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Randomize
