Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
