HIV tests are more positive than that guy
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
WHY ARE THERE SO MANY BURPS IN MY SMALL, INCREDIBLY ATTRACTIVE BODY
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
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