I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
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so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
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I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
The bartender remember my drink from last sat. I think we just became drocals...drunk. locals.
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