Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
