careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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