She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
