I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
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