My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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