Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
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