You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Randomize
