Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
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As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Why did my mother make you get naked?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
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