did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
being pregnant is like rehab
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
