she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
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Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
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Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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