What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
