I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
