I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
