He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Randomize
