hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I just want to make out with him forever
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Randomize