we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
