I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
you inspire me to be a worse person
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
Randomize
