You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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