That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
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at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
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Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
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