She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Randomize
