She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
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