so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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