I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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