3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
you inspire me to be a worse person
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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