Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
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