If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
