my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Who put my cat in the fridge?
Randomize
