put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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