that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think I won the penis lottery.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
Just had sex in the room next to my parents. Heading back to school ASAP.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
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