i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
