so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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