I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
