walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
