You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
