How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Pants 0. Shit 1.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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