Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Randomize
