Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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