Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
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