it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
my little brother got his license today.. too early to ask him to DD?
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it