Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
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