i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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