Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Randomize
