Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We always end up having sex in random places after class. I need to stop letting this dude borrow my pens.
Someone came in the potted fern
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
