I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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