so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
He violated my cat. I was not impressed.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
