I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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