apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
he was CRYING into my vagina
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
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